This page was last updated on 6 September 2018.
© Copyright Marks R. Nester 2018
Devils Marbles, Australia
Please note
It is difficult to come up with something new to say, and it is difficult to be certain that something I heard fifty years ago didn’t just pop back into my head. Some of the below are deliberate variations on old themes, but I believe that all of them are original. However, I do not want to claim credit for someone else’s ideas, even if mine were obtained independently. It is for this reason that I do not give permission for any of this page to be copied or reproduced in any form whatsoever. If you wish to share them, then please just share the link to this page or my home page. (This web page will be updated when I give permission to copy for personal or non-commercial uses.)
If you believe that any of the quotes are not original then I would be grateful if you let me know which one(s), and the exact wording with which you are familiar. You may email me directly at:
marksrnester (at) gmail (dot) com
(replace words in brackets with appropriate symbols).
Warning
These days it seems impossible to say anything without someone taking offence. If you’re especially sensitive to certain ideas or expressions then stop reading now.
© Copyright Marks R. Nester 2018
Morsels of Wisdom from the Table of SoloMan
A collection of unquotable quotes, blind observations, thoughtless thoughts, pointless points and wasted breaths
The business of life
1. I was delighted when my wife said that I should call this collection, “Sayings of a great wit.” Then she explained that she actually said, “Sayings of a grey twit.”
2. If honesty is the best policy then why did I bother taking out life insurance?
3. If a picture is worth a thousand words then a long blog isn’t worth the paper it’s not written on.
4. I want to be remembered as someone who died extremely rich. Please give generously.
5. When I was a kid my teacher told me that I suffered from sisomso, commonly known as reverse osmosis. Nothing sunk in.
6. Stop, and look both ways before making a decision.
7. Your silliness is no match for my superciliousness.
8. You have no control over the genes you were born with, but you have some control over what you do with those genes.
9. Alcoholic drinks are the pneumatic tyres for the bumpy ride through life. But if you put too much air in the tyres then they’re likely to burst and you will crash.
10. Exercising the brain can be more demanding than exercising the body.
11. I’m a financial failure. My ambition could not overwhelm my principles.
12. The main difference between humans and dung beetles is that dung beetles enjoy their work.
13. When I was a kid I told my mother that when I grow up I want to be ruler of the universe. She told me that I would never measure up.
14. They said I would never amount to anything, but already I’ve been a laughing stock and a whipping boy.
15. I told my wife that I intend to rule the universe. She told me to wash the dishes first.
16. It’s hard to love your fellow beings when you’ve seen how they drive.
17. A wordsmith is someone who can add an “e” to vomit and get motive, and remove the “g” from grape and get … another fruit.
18. The world is a big and scary place. I feel like I’m a tea-cup in a storm.
19. I suspect that the people who like jazz are the same ones who like coriander.
20. I’m the happening, just waiting for the event.
21. Never procrastinate. It’s better to know that you did something yesterday than to worry about having to do it tomorrow.
22. Universal Law of Action: Fate operates in order to maximise nett irony.
23. The only way to eliminate all suffering in the world is to destroy it.
24. Is following me on Twitter a form of stalking?
25. This is just the beginning. This is the end of the line.
26. I tried living by my wits, but I soon discovered that they have low nutritional value.
27. Most of us have little chance of drowning because we lead such shallow lives.
28. The secret to happiness is password protected.
29. My son is a victim of extenduating circumstances, which explains why he is so tall. This is surprising because I’m close to average height and my wif is a diminutive.
30. I told my wife that I wanted to call these “morsels” of wisdom. She replied that no one would swallow them.
31. Every waking moment of every day someone is trying to manipulate your thoughts. Today I’m doing it.
32. I can hold my liquor, but only while it’s still in the bottle.
33. I started a new fan club—for me. My wife is the only member, and she joined only because I paid her.
34. When we’re young we wish we were older, and when we’re old we wish we were younger. So enjoy the moment when you’re 28 years 7 months 19 days 14 hours 46 minutes and 12 seconds old.
35. Infinity is the distance between me and immense wealth.
36. If there is one thing I’ve learned about women in all the years that I’ve been married then I don’t know what it is.
37. I prefer to leave failure to lesser men.
38. I had to eat some humble pie last night. I hope my wife’s cooking improves.
39. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter what they tell you. You do have a special talent or ability.
40. If life gives you a buzz, then see a doctor. You’ve probably got tinnitus.
41. If you love your cat then it reciprocates by letting you feed it.
42. The middle man makes the biggest profit. The middle of the man stores the most fat.
43. Life is like a glass of water. Eventually it evaporates.
44. Don’t give up hope. There’s even utility in futility.
45. Economic growth isn’t the solution. It’s the problem.
46. I don’t know if I’ll ever succeed, but my wife always says that I’m trying.
47. I wanted to make a point so I got a pencil sharpener.
48. I wrote, “The sheep were there in the meadow, then I saw the youth and some other person move them here.” Then I thought I should remove all sexist and noninclusive language and this is what was left, “T ep were te n t adow, t saw t th and so ot per move e.”
Science and philosophy
49. A day for the thought.
50. To right every wrong will probably just double the number of wrongs.
51. There isn’t enough paper in the universe to write every wrong.
52. I had the privilege of being trained by one of the greatest philosophers who ever lived. He was my soccer coach, and his wisest words were, “All soccer players are stupid.” I hope he believed there were exceptions. R.I.P. Phil.
53. I’m just going to say this once. Okay. I’ll say this again.
54. Having ideas is very much like buying lottery tickets. If you’re lucky then you’ll eventually get a good one.
55. A philosopher says, “I think, therefore I am … correct.” A scientist says, “I think, therefore I am … going to collect some data in order to test my hypothesis.”
56. If God wanted us to be celibate then he would have made us into polyps.
57. Philosophical theories are like crumpets. They’re both full of holes but only crumpets are digestible.
58. Those that can, do science. Those that can’t, philosophize.
59. A right angle is the harshest angle.
60. I looked all around but I could not find a new angle.
61. I hope I have enough days for all of my thoughts. I also hope that I have enough thoughts for all of my days.
62. Fate is the whale, and we are the krill.
63. It has often been said that it has often been said.
64. To be smart you have to be born that way, but wisdom is earned through experience and effort.
65. Scientists shouldn’t just test their hypotheses, they should interrogate them vigorously.
66. I am twice as clever as you think I am, but only half as clever as I think I am.
67. I always lie down if I want to think laterally.
68. On having no affection for those displaying affectations when affecting the effect of effecting effects: If you can’t effect an effect then you will be affected by the effect of failure to effect, which is not the same as failure to affect the expected effect.
69. I suffer from logical consistency. Should I seek treatment?
70. I found Occam’s razor so I gave it back to him.
71. The field of statistics provides methodologies, not answers. It won’t think for you, it can’t decide for you, and it can’t prove anything for you.
72. Science describes, and never explains. Religion prescribes, but never explains.
73. Metathoughts: I thought I thought a thought I thought. Then I thought I only thought I thought I thought.
74. I once had a really good idea. I can’t remember what it was.
75. There is no why. There is no how. There is only what.
76. Don’t dare to be different. You already are.
77. If two negatives make a positive then three negatives make a battery.
78. It’s irrational to be rational because it would be denying our humanity.
79. Good and evil have some things in common. Both have two vowels and two consonants.
80. Biologically, humans belongs to the animal kingdom, which explains a lot.
81. Yesterday I will be, today I am, tomorrow I was.
82. It’s impossible to prove that God exists. It’s impossible to prove that God does not exist. Atheists and theists both rely on faith.
Proverbs
83. Obscurantism is the mask of ignorance.
84. A sneeze in time saves nine.
85. Common scents are $25 per bottle. Common sense can’t be bottled or bought.
86. Avoid negative comparisons. Never sing a song that Pavarotti has already sung.
87. A stitch in time can stop your pants falling down.
88. Only one letter separates inanity from insanity.
89. Nothing in life is black and white, except zebras.
90. I am what I am, I have what I have, and that’s all I’ve got.
91. Hyperbole is a boastful person’s greatest talent.
92. Common sense is not contagious.
93. It is better to be right than to be popular.
94. A soleless shoe and a soul-less man have much in common.
Politics and journalism
95. Perhaps there aren’t any good politicians because there aren’t any good voters.
96. A bird with only a right wing will flap and flap but will only go around in circles on the ground. A bird with only a left wing will flap and flap but will only go around in circles in the opposite direction. Neither bird will soar. Sounds like a party-political parliamentary democracy.
97. In a truly great democracy every parliamentarian would be honest and every vote would be according to conscience.
98. Truth is the greatest casualty of the political correctness movement, and the euphemism industry is its greatest winner. Modifying the language doesn’t change facts.
99. The only fiction I read these days is the Sunday newspaper and articles praising string theory.
Psychology
100. My wife is an optimist and I am a pessimist. So I suppose our kids are optipesses.
101. It’s often easier to be honest with other people than it is to be honest with yourself.
102. You cannot be defeated if you do not resist.
103. An optimist thinks that the best is yet to come. The pessimist thinks that it has already happened.
104. Life is fair, but it plays with loaded dice.
105. My wife sees all the colours of the rainbow where I just see vomit.
106. An optimist is someone who wears blinkers.
107. Card-carrying pessimists have blood type and next-of-kin details on their cards. Optimists have only smiley-faces on theirs.
108. I learned humility at a very early age. In fact I learned many words because I was so precocious.
109. I wanted to alter my ego, but I did not succeed.
110. I have an altered ego. I’m not feeling my usual self today.
111. Truth is the enemy of optimism. Self is the victim of pessimism.
112. Unbridled optimism is as detrimental as unquenched pessimism.
113. Greed is like ambition and other addictions. If you can’t control it then it will control you.
114. It’s true. I never lie when I’m sitting or standing, so if I am talking and not sitting or standing then I might be lying.
115. Sometimes I think my brain has a mind of its own.
116. IQ Test: What is the shortest distance between two points? Answer: It depends on how far apart the points are.
117. Someone told me that I should see a psychiatrist so I made an appointment. Unfortunately I couldn’t help him.
Nature
118. We are the disease. Let’s hope that the earth does not find a cure.
119. Some say that the earth is our Mother, yet every city is a pimple; every open-cut mine is a gash; every underground mine is a surgical incision; every dam is a blocked artery; all deforestation exposes her delicate skin; and every chimney pollutes the air she breathes. If we don’t take sufficient care then we might kill our Mother.
120. Considering what we are doing to our own planet, we must be terra-terror formers.